I’ve been resting, which is good, but it hurts. I’ve had cramps, headaches, diarrhea, deeper depression, and a growing sense of failure. Most of this is because of adrenaline withdrawal, which often hits people who overwork and then stop suddenly. I know that I work a lot, too much. But I’ve been feeling that I want to return to overworking if this is how I feel at rest.
This is a minor symptom of my lifestyle, really. There are greater ones:
A hormone imbalance over the last decade.
Social instability as I do not fit in one culture or another.
Lack of control over my emotional state.
My family and I living in poverty for the last fifteen years.
Neighbors, police, and the violent screaming at me.
Threats and fines from the city.
Of course, my friends and family, who really love me, don’t like this at all. Everyone, including myself, would like to see me live a life of greater balance. God made us all to exist in a world of balance, of shalom, where we would have our needs met, the rest we need, positive companions and emotional strength to love.
My friends see that I am choosing not to live in that shalom, even though it is within my reach. They tell me to rest more, to take more breaks, to eat better, to participate in more joy, to write more, to spend more time with God. I have friends who tell me that I cannot save the world, that I am doing too much, that I need to delegate, that perhaps I should quit. After all, my health is at stake, and my family’s well-being.
The solution, of course, is simple. I just need to back off. I just need to say “no”.
I need to say “no” to the man who comes to me thirsty, when I have much to drink.
I need to say “no” to the woman who is hungry, when I have a cupboard and refrigerator full of food.
I need to say “no” to the family who is harassed and unable to sleep, even though I have a safe place where they can sleep.
I need to say “no” to the mentally ill, who just me to give them comfort.
I need to say “no” to those who have no opportunity for worship, and to not give them an opportunity to come before the Lord.
I need to say “no” to those who want to tell me their long story, to refuse to listen so that I cannot pray for them.
I need to say “no” to the sinner and the outcast, refuse to give them a place of safety.
My well-being is more important than saying “yes”. My health is more important than theirs. My rest is more essential than theirs.
The problem is that we do not live in a world of balance. If everyone lived balanced lives between work for ourselves and work for others, if we all lived out compassion and mercy, if we all gave people the benefit of the doubt and the kind of grace that God gives us all, if we all took our extra resources and shared with those in need around us, then we would have a world of shalom. But that’s not the kind of world we live in. We live in a world where criminals are punished, not rehabilitated. We live in a world where the poor are rejected and treated like garbage. We live in a world where cultural, ethnic and social differences result in poverty and death. We are far from the balance God created.
Because of this extreme imbalance, some must love more to make up for that. Because some do not have ample food or drink or clothing, others must give so that they might survive. Because most do not share of their wealth, some must share more, even out of their poverty. Because most do not offer grace, some must open their arms in welcome all the more. Because too many labor for little return, some must labor more so that they may rest.
It isn’t fair. But it is the way of Jesus.
Jesus healed the masses, even when balance required that he rest. Jesus walked hundreds of miles to go to those who had need. Jesus offered food out of his poverty. Jesus counselled in the middle of the night, and rose up early to pray. Jesus made himself a target to the authorities so that some might rest. Jesus surrendered his life so that others might live.
And Jesus told his followers that we are to live the same kind of life. “No one has greater love than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.” “Sell your possessions and give to the poor.” “Deny yourself, take up your cross and follow me.” “Surrender all that you have.” “Go from town to town, heal the sick, cast out demons, raise the dead and proclaim the kingdom.” “Blessed are you who are poor.” “Blessed are you when men speak ill of you.” Jesus wasn’t a great advocate of a life of balance.
The reward for this is that which cannot be seen. Jesus promises that a life of sacrifice and persecution due to love will have joy, but also mourning. That we will have a community of support amidst persecution. That we will have our needs met amidst poverty. And that we will have lives of comfort and peace and balance in a future time that is beyond our current resources. This is why this is called a life of faith. Because sacrificial love is for a pleasure that cannot be touched or even perceived with our senses.
If you live a life of balance, I do not begrudge you that. Good for you, as long as you give to those in need. In fact, know that I am a bit jealous of you. I wish that I could live a life of balance. But that is not my purpose in life.
Some think that I am trying to save the world. I am not so delusional. All I am trying to do is to help the person in front of me. And the next one. And the next one. To provide just a teeny bit more balance, a bit more shalom, in this world than when I came to it. If that means that if my health, my economics, my emotional state, my social standing or my life suffers because of it, then I just have to trust that God will make it worth it all.
So I took Yvan to her physical therapist this afternoon and was waiting for her in the Lobby. Next to me is a lady in her 80s, humming to herself some little catchy tune. Her therapist comes out and greets her and asks her how she is doing? “A few more sessions and I’ll dance a jig” and she shuffles/dances down the hall to her appointment.
Out comes another therapist and calls out a name and this woman in her 40s comes out from behind her tabloid and the first words out of the lady’s mouth are “What are you smiling about?” No matter how the therapist attempted to cheer her patient the patient refused to be cheered and told the therapist to be quiet and lets get this over with. I could see that the therapist was taken aback by the rebuke as the middle aged woman stomped off down the hall.
So I stepped up and took the therapist arm and she turned and looked me in the eye and I could see tears beginning to well up. “It is not your fault,” I whispered, “you did nothing wrong. Do not own the rebuke. Her anger came here with her. It is the fruit of unforgiveness.”
A smile flickered across her face and the whisper of “Thanks” escaped her lips and off she went to deal with her patient.
In Romans 15 it says that we who are strong need to bear with the scruples of those who are weak, but sometimes we need to come along side our brethren who are dealing with the weak for the words of the weak are pointed and poisoned. Like the therapist these words can find the gaps in the armor and prove deadly. We then who are stronger then need to step up and strengthen our brethren and sisters to and minister the oil needed to affect healing and release encouragement.
Would you do me a favor and watch the first forty seconds or so of this video?
Wasn’t that cool?
You know, when I first saw this video on Facebook, I couldn’t even tell what was in that hole. Just black crawly things. They could be crabs or bugs. Turned out they were turtles. You probably know that already because you saw the title, but I didn’t have the title. I just saw a hole swarming with something that looked gross.
To me, this video demonstrates how to help the homeless, and how wrong-headed most of our approaches are.
The homeless are stuck in a hole of oppression and poverty and they can’t get out. They are desperately trying to get out, to get to a better place, but they can’t escape, no matter how they try.
Some people, like my initial reaction to this video, see them swarming in their poverty and are disgusted or fear them. They see them as blights on society and as something that should be gotten rid of. They might yell into the hole of poverty and tell them to get out. They might fear them and so avoid them. They might want to hide them, to pretend that they don’t exist. Some might secretly wish that they would go away by any means possible.
Other people might look at the hole and pity them, They would baby them, and give them food and water them and make sure they survived. But for all that care, they are still in the hole of poverty and oppression, no better off than they were.
Others want to do something for them more seriously. So they will take the effort to pull one of them out of the hole and lift him up and take him to the ocean. Then they will walk back to the hole, pick up another one and walk him to the ocean, placing him carefully within. After a few times of doing this, someone will get tired and go back to the hole, saying, “I’m sorry, but I don’t have the resources to help all of you. I can only help so many. The rest of you will have to stay in poverty and oppression. I wish I could do more.”
The man of wise compassion, like in the video, didn’t take any of these approaches. He broke open the hole and he watched them all instinctively crawl, over time, painstakingly, toward their place of comfort and growth. He didn’t coddle them, he just provided an opportunity. If one of them wandered in the wrong direction, he didn’t correct them, or put them on the right path. They figured it out on their own. He didn’t tell them how stupid they were for being unable to get out of the hole on their own. He just provided the opportunity of freedom and got out of the way.
Churches didn’t create the hole of poverty and oppression that the homeless are in. That is created by society as a whole, by citizens who call the police on people who aren’t doing anything wrong. By cities that make it illegal to be homeless and prevent them from helping themselves and use their police force to oppress the poor. By individuals beating and stealing from those who are trying to survive.
Churches usually pity the homeless and feed them in their cycle of poverty and oppression. There is a place for that when there is no opportunity to escape the hole.
But the real solution is to provide opportunities for the homeless to help themselves. The homeless cannot provide these opportunities themselves. What do these opportunities look like?
-Provide jobs that reflect the skills and work abilities of those in need.
-Provide places for people to sleep and store their possessions without harassment.
-Provide safe places for people to be during the day where they can cook, clean and help themselves.
If we provide these kinds of opportunities, then we can stand by and watch the homeless escape the hole themselves. It won’t happen immediately. It won’t always be easy to watch. But it will happen.
Right now, Anawim is in the process of changing from being a place that provides services to those in the hole to providing opportunities to get out of the hole. It’s not easy, and it will take some time. But we are committed to making transformation, not just comfort.
As we write requests for grants, one thing that will help us is letters of reference. Those who provide grants need to hear about the positive impact Anawim has been making on the communities we are involved in and about lives that we have helped change. They want to hear from churches and business owners who support our work financially or with donations. They want to hear from people who have worked with us in the past and have been impressed with our work.
The more letters we get, the more likely it is that we will be able to get grants so we can continue our work, and make it better.
Some of the grants that we will be applying for are:
Hiring the homeless to do landscaping, donation sorting and clean up
Additional space for more showers, storage, and a laundry facility
Hiring an administrative assistant grant writer (hey, what a thought!)
Provide opportunities for the homeless to retrieve birth certificates and legal IDs
If you’d like to see us do this work and more, all we are asking for now are letters of support, and letters of reference. Please write a letter and send it to email@example.com It really means a lot to us.
“So there remains a Sabbath rest for the people of God. For the one who has entered His rest has himself also rested from his works, as God did from His. Therefore let us be diligent to enter that rest…” (Hebrews 4:9-11)
At one period of my life, I would awake early to ride the bus across town to work at a book binder, picking up and delivering tons of paper, then spend time in God’s word and afterwards spend the evening with my small children. In between, once a week, I would go to the Grotto to spend time with the Lord, walking through the gardens, praying.
At the edge of a cliff is a beautiful chapel, overlooking NE Portland. I might stand there and pray over the city, or seek God’s wisdom. But occasionally, I would sit in the comfortable chairs and rest, allowing God to speak to me, should He want to.
In the midst of this busy life, I would often fall asleep in the middle of my prayers, coaxed by the softness of the cushions. At times I would startle myself awake and apologize to the Lord for sleeping during our time together. At one point, waking myself, the Lord said quietly to me, “Go ahead and sleep. This is my gift to you: rest in me.”
Prayer is hard work, and those who strive in this obedience know the difficult effort of it. But God also gives us a Sabbath, a rest in the midst of our labors. This rest is God’s mercy upon us, and who are we to deny God’s mercy? In the midst of our prayerful work, we might very well find ourselves coaxed into resting in God’s hand, a child at his mother’s breast.
We ought not only seek to change the world through prayer, but we should accept God’s peace in prayer. Prayer is not just work, it is rest. It is not just action, but it is dependence. Let us not fail to enter into that rest.
Father, let me accept your gift of quiet and peace. Come and fill my soul like a child at rest on his mother’s knee. Come and fill my soul completely. Amen.
The other day I was over at the the church at Gresham, checking out the condition of the Trees. Now we have some on going issues with the neighborhood Associations, but there are a few people over there who Just really Hate people in General and the homeless in particular.
So on this day one of these folks walked the whole length of the property from Glisan all the way over to the southwest corner to tell me how much he hated the homeless. Then when he couldn’t get a rise out of me, he grabbed my arm and turned me around and got so close to my face I could smell his decaying teeth. “Ya know who I really hate the most?”,his voice low and grating,
“God?”, I offered up.
“No, I hate you. I hate you because of what you do. I hate you because you love them.”
“The Homeless,” I clarified.
“The Vermin. You and them need to be exterminated. If it were legal I would gladly kill you and your wife and that longhaired Freak.”
“Ya know what buddy? How about I pray for you right now?”
He pushed away and screamed NO and then punched me in the chest. “Don’t you dare, I will kill you for sure you miserable…” ( you can insert your own colorful metaphors) and turns and begins stomping away.
I pray out loud, “Our Father who is in Heaven Holy is your name…”
He turns and screams pointing his finger at me , “I’M WARNING YOU, STOP PRAYING RIGHT NOW!!”
“Thy Kingdom come thy will be done in Gresham as it is in Heaven….”
He turns and charges me and stops a foot or so away and in a threatening low voice says, “Are You ****in’ deaf?” He picks up a tree branch raises it to strike,
A peace has settled upon me and I hear my voice saying, “Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who want to beat us up.”
“I’ll do it ya know!,” the voice snarls “I WILL, I will,”
“In Jesus name Amen. May the Lord Bless you and Keep you and give you peace.”
“Oh shut the F up you F’in Vermin!” as he throws down the stick and trudges away. “I hate you, I HATE YOU.” Turning still screaming and using hand gestures. “I HATE UUUUU.” Reaching Glisan street turns east and stomps away.
A moment later a squad car pulls into the driveway and comes slowly back to where I was standing. The officer gets out and says, “You okay?” I nod. “I was a few miles away when I got the call. We know who it is. You want to press charges?”
“No,” I said shaking my head. “He wasn’t acting any worse than some of the homeless who had a snoot full. But thanks for coming.”
He got back in his car and said “What do you with guys like that?”
“I pray for them. What else is there to do?”
He smiled a nervous smile and drove away and I went back to my trees. Trees are a much quieter folk. I like them.
Anawim will be on hiatus for a few months, beginning March 1. We will be cancelling all our services in Gresham and Portland except for a work day/food distribution every Friday, beginning March 13 at our location at 19626 NE Glisan, Gresham.
The reason for our “break” is because we have been losing volunteers and finances over the last year, but those needing our services has only increased. We need to take some time to do volunteer recruiting/training and to apply for grants. Depending on how quickly we obtain new volunteers and get them trained, we may be scaled back for a month and a half or three months. Or we may get some volunteers trained and gradually get services opened a bit at a time.
Our facility will host a mobile shower unit on Friday mornings and an open meal on Wednesdays from 3 to 4pm.
If you are local to Portland or Gresham and you would like to be a long term volunteer, please contact Steve Kimes at firstname.lastname@example.org.
If you are still interested in donating clothing or food during our hiatus, then we will take in donations on Fridays from 10am to 2pm.
We will still be needing donations, as we still have rent and utilities and people to feed… just not as many big meals.
Thank you all for your support during our time of reorganization, so we can come back stronger and better than ever!
In Christ Jesus, religious ritual means nothing, but faith working through love. Galatians 5:6
Truly, truly, I say to you, the Son can do nothing of Himself, unless it is something He sees the Father doing; for whatever the Father does, these things the Son also does in like manner. For the Father loves the Son, and shows Him all things that He Himself is doing; and the Father will show Him greater works than these, so that you will marvel. John 5:19-20
My prayer life is not what it should be. I bet most of us can say that. I struggle to pray, even when the needs are desperate. I look at prayer warriors with envious eyes. Koreans who spend hours each morning on their prayer mountain, monastics who seek the Lord at all times, mystics who are with the Lord, even when they sleep—how I wish I could be like them! Even a single hour with the Lord seems like pulling teeth.
But I have learned something from an Orthodox proverb: “Serving the poor is prayer.” When we know the Lord’s will and do it, we are finishing our prayers. The act of loving is the true “amen” of our prayers, the action of God through us. At the end of each of our prayers, we must be asking ourselves, “Lord, am I to be the answer to my own prayer?”
In the caring for and raising of her child, a mother is praying. In the patient service of the sick, a nurse is praying. In feeding and clothing the poor, a servant is praying. In forgiving our enemies, in encouraging our brothers, in showing mercy to the outcast—in all of this we pray and seek the Lord. These acts do not replace prayer, but rather they are a part of prayer, the work of God within us that is the result of our desire, often unspoken.
Although I fail to pray as often as I should, I will take spare moments of my day, pray the Lord’s prayer, and know that I am fulfilling “Your kingdom come” with what I do. I also will sing the deceased Keith Green’s prayer, “Make my life a prayer to you,” and know that my acts of love are answers to these prayers.
Father, free me from guilt for not accomplishing the rituals that you did not ask me to do. Allow me to be content in doing what you called me to do. May I be the Mary who sat at your feet and then stood up to accomplish your work. Amen